The AX-ess Files: Justice is Out There

Dramatis Personae:

Brad, a low-income person in need of legal services

Janet, another low-income person in need of legal services

Rod Serling, the narrator

Dracula, the process server

Elvis, a knowledgeable friend

Elvira, the SCREAMS hotline advocate

Igor, the courthouse facilitator

Morticia, the county clerk

Thing, her assistant

Mulder, a legal aid attorney

Scully, a clinical law professor

Hon. Frankenstein, a judge

The Monster, who is Justice personified

Good Fairies of Funding

Chorus of zombie law students

Chorus of chanting judges

Crew In Black

THE BAND:

Func Pro Tunc

Dinnen Cleary, keyboard

Vince Brown, guitar

Lisa Brodoff, bass

Don Kinney, drums

Sophie Smith, vocals

Larry Weiser, saxophone

MUSICAL NUMBERS:

'Twilight Zone' theme Func Pro Tunc

'Countersue' (to the tune of 'Jaihouse Rock') Elvis

'Hot Patootie' Elvira

'Addams Family' theme Func Pro Tunc

'The Time Warp' Mulder, Scully, Zombies, Brad, Janet, Rod & Igor

'If you Knew Justice' (to the tune of 'If You Knew Susie')

Judge Frankenstein

'Frankenstein' Func Pro Tunc

'The Justice Mash' (to the tune of 'The Monster Mash')

Rod Serling

PROPS:

Court papers

Elvis's cell phone

Business card

Trail of Pamphlets

Rubber stamp

Law books for judges

Mulder & Scully's files

Giant gavel

(Lights come up on fog, night sounds, spooky music. A car crash is heard offstage. Two earnest young people, BRAD & JANET, stagger onstage from L; they are confused, disoriented, disheveled.)

BRAD: Janet! Janet! Where are you?

JANET: Oh Brad! I'm here! Are you all right?

BRAD: Yes. I thought for a minute we were goners!

JANET: What were those obstacles in our way?

BRAD: I couldn't tell. It looked as if the bridge simply stopped halfway across!

JANET: Thank goodness we're safe!

BRAD: Yes. But where can we find help in this mysterious fog?

JANET: Brad, I have an uncanny feeling about this fog. It's as if there are barriers every way we turn?

(BRAD & JANET freeze. Band plays Twilight Zone theme. ROD SERLING is revealed at stage R)

ROD: Submitted into evidence: two nice young people, Brad and Janet. Off on a short business trip for Brad's boss. Suddenly they find themselves falling without a safety net. What Brad & Janet don't know yet is that they have stumbled into a strange rift in time and space, a place where strange obstacles arise unnecessarily and help is far from certain. What they will soon find out is that there is no easy escape from the Twilight of Justice.

JANET: (looking at her watch) That's funny! My watch has gone haywire!

BRAD: What's the problem?

JANET: Look! The date function says that it's three weeks later than when we started! How can that be?

(Enter DRACULA, cape drawn over his face like Bela Lugosi. He stalks up to BRAD & JANET menacingly. BRAD & JANET react in horror. All three freeze, as ROD appears again stage R)

ROD (To audience): How, indeed. What Brad and Janet don't yet understand is that they have passed through a time warp: a hole in the time-space continuum, a rift in the very fabric of their reality. It is indeed three weeks later than the day they set out on their little trip. They are about to learn that losing three weeks of your life in a single instant can have shocking consequences.

BRAD: who are you?

DRACULA (with a thick accent): I am here to serve you.

BRAD: that's great. We could really use a lift to the nearest garage?

DRACULA: Ha ha ha ha! Take that! (DRACULA hands papers to BRAD & JANET)

BRAD: What are these papers?

JANET (to Dracula): You're not going to try to suck our blood?

DRACULA (indicating papers): I think those will accomplish that quite nicely.

BRAD: What can we do?

(Enter ELVIS from R; he acknowledges the audience, saunters up to BRAD & JANET)

ELVIS: I think I can help you out.

JANET: But who are you?

ELVIS: Let's just say, I'm a knowledgeable friend. What seems to be the problem?

JANET: Well, our car swerved into a ditch because the bridge was out. Then we walked through this fog and here we are!

ELVIS: I see. What's happened to you is actually very simple. You've gone through a warp in the time-space continuum

BRAD: How do you know that?

ELVIS: Well, I spend a lot of time there myself these days. Let me take a look at those papers.

(BRAD hands ELVIS the papers.)

ELVIS (flipping through the papers): Just as I thought. Even though the accident was not your fault, you were uninsured, so you've lost your driver's license. Your car has been towed, and the towing charges have been referred to this bloodsucker's collection agency. You've been sued, and they're trying to garnish your bank account.

JANET: Not my Christmas club!

DRACULA: Hey, it's my job!

ELVIS: I'm afraid so, Janet. In addition, Brad, your boss has fired you because you didn't show up for work for the last three weeks, and you've already been denied unemployment compensation.

BRAD: Gosh!

ELVIS: Also, your rent was due a couple of weeks ago, so you've been evicted for nonpayment and your landlord has illegally seized all your belongings. Let's see, what else, your dog threw up on your neighbor's son's homework, and your neighbor had him sent to the dog pound.

JANET: Fluffy!

ELVIS: I'm sorry, ma'am. There's just one more thing. Here's a letter from your mother. Now that Brad is an unemployed loser, she's pressuring you to divorce him.

BRAD: We need legal assistance!

JANET: But where can we get it?

ELVIS: Well, first let me help you get rid of him (indicating Dracula)

(CREW IN BLACK hands microphone to ELVIS. He sings to the tune of 'Jailhouse Rock')

Vampire towed away your Chevrolet

Thinks he's gonna garnish you and make you pay

But here's a little tip to send him on his way

There's seven violations of the CPA

Let's sue

Everybody let's sue

The judge'll see your point of view

You got the grounds to countersue

You got the grounds to countersue

You got the grounds to countersue

(CREW IN BLACK takes microphone back.)

DRACULA: Curses! I'll see you in court! (He exits)

JANET: How can we thank you?

ELVIS: No need to thank me, ma'am. I can't go with you any further. But here, take my phone (hands them a cell phone) and call the number on this card. Good luck! (ELVIS hands them a business card. He then disappears into the fog. BRAD & JANET wave goodbye.)

BRAD: What does it say?

JANET: It says for free legal help, call the SCREAMS Hotline.

(ELVIRA screams offstage).

BRAD: What was that?

JANET: I don't know, but it can't get us in worse trouble than we're in already. Here we go.

(JANET dials the number. Enter ELVIRA USR with headset. The phone rings and she answers)

ELVIRA: Hello, You've reached SCREAMS---AAAAAAH-- Special Court-Related Education, Advice, and Mad Scientist hotline. What's your name?

BRAD: Well, I'm Brad, and this is Janet. How did you get here so quickly?

ELVIRA: Oh, I'm not really here. It's one of these new hologram phones. Isn't technology wonderful? So what's the problem, hon?

(BRAD, JANET, & ELVIRA freeze. ROD SERLING appears again stage R.)

ROD: and here Brad and Janet related the entire monstrous story of their adventures so far to the sympathetic ear of Elvira, the SCREAMS hotline advocate.

ELVIRA: AAAAAAAH! Wow! That's terrible! You'd better get over to the courthouse right away so you can answer that lawsuit.

(CREW IN BLACK hands microphone to ELVIRA, who sings to the tune of 'Hot Patootie')

What ever happened to poor people's rights?

It gets me burning like a meteorite

Take my advice and put up a fight

Make those suckers really toe the line, yeah

Hot Patootie! Bless you, child!

You gotta get your answer filed!

Hot Patootie! Bless you, child!

You gotta get your answer filed!

(CREW IN BLACK take microphone back.)

BRAD: how do we get to the courthouse?

ELVIRA: Well, look around. Do you see a yellow brick road anywhere?

(CREW IN BLACK strews a trail of pamphlets.)

Brad: No, but there's a trail of self-help pamphlets!

ELVIRA: Follow those. And remember, you can call me back anytime between midnight and 4 a.m. We're kind of nocturnal here at the SCREAMS hotline. AAAAAAH! Bye now! (She exits)

BRAD & JANET: Follow the self-help pamphlets!

Janet: They seem to lead to that spooky old mansion up there! (She points USR)

Brad: That's no spooky old mansion! That's a courthouse! (Spooky organ chord)

(2 CREW IN BLACK members carry on door and hold it. BRAD & JANET go up to the door and knock. It opens with a loud creak. IGOR leans out)

IGOR: Welcome to the Transylvania county courthouse. I am Igor, the courthouse facilitator. Please, come in. We've been expecting you.

JANET: We were sent here by the SCREAMS hotline (ELVIRA screams offstage). We need legal help!

IGOR: Yes, I know. Show me your papers. (They do). Hmm. You're going to need to file a response. (Hands them a pen.) Sign here. And here. Now walk this way.

BRAD: If I could walk that way, I'd?

JANET: Brad!

(BRAD & JANET follow Igor through the door and across the stage. The CREW IN BLACK carry door off stage L. A group of zombies stagger across the stage from R and exit through the audience.)

JANET: Who are those zombies?

IGOR: Oh, don't worry about them. They're first year law students. We're conducting a, shall we say, clinical seminar today.

(A group of judges in black hoods marches in through an audience aisle and out stage L. They are carrying law books, chanting 'Stare Decisis' and hitting themselves on the forehead with the law books.)

BRAD: Who are they?

IGOR: Just a judicial conference. Come along. We're going to the clerk's office.

(CREW IN BLACK members carry on the clerk's counter USC. Band plays Addams Family theme. MORTICIA & THING are behind counter, snap fingers to the music. IGOR, BRAD & JANET approach the counter. BRAD & JANET look stupefied.)

IGOR: These young people are Brad & Janet. They need to file their response.

MORTICIA: It's a pleasure to meet you, my dears. Oh, Thing!

(THING, an apparently disembodied hand appears above counter, stamps response with rubber stamp.)

MORTICIA: Thank you, Thing. Here you go, Brad & Janet. Your conformed copies.

JANET: Th-th-thank you.

MORTICIA: Don't mention it. Toodle-oo!

(MORTICIA & THING exit. CREW IN BLACK carry off clerk's counter.)

IGOR: Now at least you're protected from default. The consequences for default in this jurisdiction can be, shall we say, Strict.

BRAD: Gosh!

IGOR: Not to worry, though. We haven't even touched most of that equipment for years. But I do think your case is of sufficient complexity to merit referral to our legal aid clinic. Fortunately, they're open for new clients right now. Walk this way.

JANET: If I could walk that way.(BRAD silences her with a look.)

(CREW IN BLACK set a table & 2 chairs DSR. MULDER & SCULLY enter and sit at the table, poring over files. The ZOMBIE LAW STUDENTS enter, hover attentively behind MULDER & SCULLY. IGOR leads BRAD & JANET over to the table.)

IGOR: Good day, Professor Scully. How is the clinical law program going?

SCULLY: Well, you know what it's like working with these law students, they're like zombies! At this point in the semester, they act like they've run out of brains!

ZOMBIES (moan in unison): Brains!

IGOR: I've found some new clients for you. These young people have a rather unusual problem. (IGOR hands papers to MULDER)

MULDER: (reviewing papers) What! Another case of the transmogrifying fog! Scully, it must be a conspiracy by those who want to shut us down!

SCULLY: Hmm. It is strange, but let's not leap to conclusions, Mulder. Brad, Janet; can you tell me your story in your own words?

ROD SERLING (appears suddenly at L): And so Brad & Janet related their strange tale once again, this time to a sympathetic yet skeptical law professor and a legal aid lawyer, while the first year law students looked on in awe.

SCULLY: That's an amazing story. Do you have any witnesses who saw this strange fog?

BRAD: I, I didn't see anyone.

MULDER: Wait a minute. What about him! (Points to ROD SERLING)

ROD: You can't do that! I'm the narrator!

MULDER: but did you or did you not witness everything that happened to Brad & Janet?

ROD: Yes, but?

MULDER: And you can testify, as an expert in paranormal phenomena, that the strange fog contained a warp in the time-space continuum, through which Brad & Janet passed, and causing all their legal troubles to begin?

ROD: Well, yes, but?

MULDER: Scully! Law students! This can mean only one thing!

SCULLY: What's that, Mulder?

Mulder: LET'S USE THE TIME WARP DEFENSE!

(CREW IN BLACK hand microphones to MULDER & SCULLY.)

SCULLY: (Sings to the tune of 'Time Warp')

It's exhausting

Drafting pleadings

Finding that loophole

When case theories

Come right to you

You've got to take control

MULDER:

I remember

Using the time warp

Researching that precedent

It was a sudden sensation

In my court presentation

ALL:

Let's use the time warp defense

Let's use the time warp defense

IGOR:

It's just a motion to the left

ALL:

And then a step to the right

IGOR:

Jump to conclusions

ALL:

And pull your knees in tight

It's the evidence

That really uses your brain

Let's use the time warp defense

Let's use the time warp defense

Let's use the time warp defense

(Zombies collapse on floor at end of song. CREW IN BLACK take back microphones.)

MULDER: Quick! To the courtroom!

(CREW IN BLACK bring on judge's bench and mad scientist's lab L. JUDGE is behind bench; MONSTER is on slab. JUDGE is tinkering with equipment, trying to get MONSTER to come to life. MULDER, SCULLY, ROD, BRAD, JANET, IGOR, & ZOMBIES rush in from R.)

SCULLY: Your honor! Brad and Janet have been wrongly accused! We must make justice live in this court!

JUDGE FRANKENSTEIN: You're telling me, I've been doing everything I can over here, but nothing seems to help.

BRAD: What are you talking about?

JUDGE: Justice! I'm trying to bring her to life! I don't know what else to do! It needs an infusion of human energy and brains!

ZOMBIES: (moaning) Brains!!

IGOR: Perhaps if we all helped!

JUDGE: Why yes! That might work! Where's my clerk?

MORTICIA (entering from R, with THING tucked under her arm): Right here, your honor! How can we help?

JUDGE: Here! Hold these electrodes, then you must all join hands while I intone the secret incantation!

(All join hands; last hand is THING, under MORTICIA'S arm. THING holds electrodes attached to Monster. CREW IN BLACK hand microphone to JUDGE.)

Judge: (Sings to the tune of 'If you Knew Susie'; imitates Al Jolson imitating Eddie Cantor's voice and movement.)

If you knew Justice

Like I know Justice

Oh, Oh, oh, what a thrill

There's just no prudence

Like jurisprudence

Oh, Oh, she's the teacher, we're the students

If you're wondrin, what Justice is for

It means access, take out the revolving doors!

If you knew justice,

Like I do justice,

Oh, oh, what a thrill!

(JUDGE hands microphone to CREW, then throws the switch. Sound of electrical current, lights flash, people holding hands wiggle slightly as if getting mild electric shock.)

JUDGE: Curses! Not enough juice! Something is missing!

(Enter Good Fairies of Funding)

GOOD FAIRY 1: Yes! You need us!

GOOD FAIRY 2: We're the good fairies of funding!

GOOD FAIRY 3: We've never met a problem that wasn't helped by throwing a little money at it!

GOOD FAIRY 4: Here! Try this! (They throw cash around, stick several wads of cash in the electrodes)

JUDGE: Just the thing! Now, once again, everyone hold hands!

(GOOD FAIRIES join the hand-holding chain. JUDGE F. throws switch. Once again, electrical zap sounds, flashing lights, larger shock through people. Then stillness.)

JUDGE: It's no use! Not even adequate funding can bring justice to life! If only, if only we had more POWER! Isn't there anyone else who can help us?

(CHORUS OF JUDGES enters through audience, chanting "Stare Decisis" and hitting selves on forehead with law books as before.)

JANET: What about them?

JUDGE: Of course! I'd nearly forgotten about the judicial conference! One judge alone cannot make justice live! We must all work together! (To Judges) Quickly now! You know what we must do!

(The CHORUS OF JUDGES look at each other, mumble, nod. One of them produces a giant gavel. They all grab the gavel handle, looking like the Iwo Jima statue. Together, they hit the big switch with the giant gavel. Loud electrical buzz, more flashing lights, people in the hand chain react as if shocked strongly, smoke pours in, band plays "Frankenstein", explosion sound. Lights and sound back to normal. All watch as MONSTER slowly tips upright. She is Blind Justice with blindfold, scales & sword, but with robe & wig like the Bride of Frankenstein.)

JUDGE F: It's alive!

(MONSTER staggers around stage, others react with joy and applause)

HEAD OF JUDICIAL CONFERENCE: Yes! Now our work can truly begin! But first, let's party!

(CREW IN BLACK hand microphone to ROD. Enter ELVIS, ELVIRA, & all remaining CREW IN BLACK members; all dance to the final song.)

ROD SERLING: (Sings to the tune of "The Monster Mash")

I was working in the courtroom late one night

When a coalition formed for legal rights

Then moribund Justice began to rise

And suddenly to my surprise

ALL: She did the mash

ROD: She did the justice mash

ALL: The justice mash

ROD: It was a courtroom smash

ALL: She did the mash

ROD: It caught on in a flash

ALL: She did the mash

ROD: She did the justice mash

Now Brad and Janet are set free

Dracula's banished by decree

Elvis and Elvira join the throng

So can you, if you sing this song

ALL: We do the mash

ROD: We do the Justice mash

ALL: The justice mash

ROD: It's a Wenatchee smash

ALL: We do the Mash

ROD: You'll catch on in a flash

ALL: We do the mash

ROD: We do the justice mash.

ALL: THE JUSTICE MASH!

(ALL freeze in big, arms-up, Broadway-style tableau ending, with MONSTER in center. Then line up, bow, and exit through audience as band plays on.)

FINIS