The Moderately Talented (Yet Plucky) Repertory Theatre of Justice presents

EAST SIDE STORY

A highly derivative musical drama produced especially for the Washington State Access to Justice Conference, June 20-22, 1997, Yakima, Washington

Written & directed by Marla Elliott

Produced by Joan Fairbanks

Musical Direction by Nancy Isserlis

Stage Manager/Technical Director: Joan Kleinberg

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

JETS:

Riff — Lisa Brodoff

Tony — Pat MacIntyre

Jet from San Juan Island — Jim Douglas

Additional judges — Anne Ellington and others

SHARKS:

Bernardo — Vince Brown

Chino — Jim Bamberger

Anita — Chris Allen

Maria — Marla Elliott

Additional service providers

PAUL STRITMATTER — Himself

OFFICER KRUPKE — Dennis Harwick

GOOD FAIRIES OF FUNDING —Barbara Clark, Lauren Moore & John McKay

SCENE CHANGER — Mary Fairhurst

ORCHESTRA

Nancy Isserlis, piano

Joan Fairbanks, violin

Don Kinney, percussion

Ken Davidson, saxophone

MUSICAL NUMBERS:

Jets' Song — the Jets

America — Jets & Sharks

Maria — Tony

I Feel Pretty — Maria

Somewhere — Tony & Maria

Tonight — Ensemble
Scene I: Somewhere In Western Washington

(As the SCENE CHANGER walks across the stage with a sign reading "Somewhere in Western Washington," the JETS enter from stage R, including TONY and RIFF. They are dressed like 50's rockers in but also wearing judicial robes. They are acting cool: snapping fingers, hanging out, cigarette packs wrapped in the sleeves, sunglasses, hair slicked back, etc. RIFF jumps up on the platform to address them.)

RIFF: All right! This meeting of the JETS will now come to order. As everyone knows, JETS stands for Judges' Ethical Turf Sentries. As the cream of Western Washington's legal community, we're here to make sure that we keep what we've got and that nobody tells us what to do. We will open this meeting, as always, by singing our theme song.

RIFF:(sings to the tune of "The Jets Song")

When you're a judge, you're a judge to the max

From your first TRO to the findings of facts

When you're a judge, you've got power to spare

You've got bailiffs and clerks, you can go anywhere

JETS: (turn to face audience, sing)

The judges are here,

We're gonna make decisions

Do what we say,

or else you're in contempt and we'll make you pay!

Here come da judge, yeah, and we're gonna hear

every last civil case in the calendar year

In the whole of Washington State!

TONY: (Steps forward, apart from the others; to audience, as an aside) Wow, I really love being a judge here in the big city. Everybody stands up when you come in, and you get to wear these groovy robes. I love sitting on the board of the bar foundation, and working with the courthouse facilitators. But somehow I miss the old days, when I was a Legal Services lawyer in Eastern Washington. We did so much with so little. Maybe someday I'll find once again the passion of those old days...(sighs)

RIFF: Hey Tony! Come on! The whole gang is going to that — whaddya call it — Access to Justice conference in Yakima! We gotta show those nosy bleeding hearts they can't tell us how to run a courthouse!

OTHER JETS: Yeah, Right! You said it, Riff!

RIFF: And we're tired of hearing those eastern Washington types whine about all the stuff they ain't got! We worked hard for what we got and we ain't sharin' it with them!

OTHER JETS: Yeah! You said it, daddy-o! (etc.)

RIFF: So how about it, Tony? You comin?

TONY: Ok Riff, you can count on me! Can we carpool?

RIFF: You bet! You bring your minivan and we'll meet you at the Park and Ride lot. (to the rest of the JETS) And remember! We're judges! We ride tall!

OTHER JETS: We always ride tall!

(JETS exit, acting cool, snapping fingers)

TONY: Yakima! That's where I did my legal aid work! I wonder... could be... who knows? (exit Tony)

Scene II: Somewhere in Eastern Washington

(As the SCENE CHANGER walks across the stage with a sign reading 'Somewhere in Eastern Washington', the SHARKS enter from stage L, including MARIA, ANITA, CHINO and BERNARDO. The SHARKS are social service workers and community organizers from Eastern Washington. They also have the manner of a 50's teenage gang: acting cool, talking cool, dressing cool. They are obviously upset and talking among themselves. BERNARDO, chair of their Organizing Committee, stands on the platform to address the meeting.)

BERNARDO: All right, people! Let's bring this meeting of the SHARKS to order! As we all know, SHARKS stands for Society of Homies Angry Regarding Kuts in Services.

CHINO (heckling): Lousy spelling, man.

BERNARDO: Stay cool, man. You know that my neighborhood tenants' organization and your social service agency —not to mention all the low-income people around here —are in big trouble vis-ΰ-vis: welfare reform and funding cuts! We are sick and tired of western Washington getting all the resources, and we're not gonna take it anymore! We need services!

SHARKS: Yeah!

BERNARDO: We need decent affordable housing!

SHARKS: Yeah!

BERNARDO: We need access to health care!

SHARKS: Yeah!

BERNARDO: WE NEED A LAWYER!

SHARKS: YEAH!!!

CHINO: Yeah, Bernardo, but where are we gonna get one? The legal aid office around here closed a long time ago!

BERNARDO: I got an idea. There's a free reception at the Access to Justice Conference in Yakima tonight. We show up there, and we confront them!

SHARKS: (variously) YEAH! That's it! They can't do this to us! (Etc.)

MARIA: But Bernardo, we can't force them to work with us! If we try that, won't we just make them our enemies?

BERNARDO: Those fat cats from Seattle are already our enemies! They think they can just drive over the pass, all lah-de-dah, and patronize us again, this time in our own back yard! Well, they've got another think coming! Are you all with me?

SHARKS: YEAH! LET'S GO!

(BERNARDO and SHARKS, cheering, high-fiveing, leave MARIA and ANITA alone onstage.)

ANITA: Come on Maria, cheer up. You have the best program anywhere. You'll look great at the conference. Maybe you'll meet somebody who can help!

MARIA: I just don't know, Anita. I do need a strategic partner for my latest grant application. But I'm scared of what Bernardo might do.

ANITA: You let Bernardo worry about Bernardo. What are you, co-dependent? Come on, let's go.

(MARIA, sighing, exits R with ANITA)

SCENE III: At The Access To Justice Conference

(As the SCENE CHANGER walks across the stage with a sign reading 'At the Access to Justice Conference', the JETS, including TONY and RIFF, enter from L; SHARKS, including BERNARDO, CHINO, MARIA, and ANITA, enter from R. The JETS & SHARKS eye each other suspiciously. STRITMATTER and OFFICER KRUPKE enter from L, go to center of platform. OFFICER KRUPKE carries a large billyclub, eyes the crowd suspiciously, snarls.)

STRITMATTER: (Nerdier and more nervous than real life) Hi, everybody, I'm Paul Stritmatter. On behalf of the Access to Justice Board, I want to thank you all for coming to the conference. I hope you all have on your "No turf" buttons, heh heh heh! (JETS & SHARKS roll their eyes, moan, mumble.) Remember, we're here to make friends and have a good time! And my friend Officer Krupke is here to make sure you do! Right, Krupke?

OFFICER KRUPKE:(tough and mean, Brooklynesque) Yeah!

BERNARDO:(intensely sarcastic) Don't worry about us; we're thrilled to be here!

BERNARDO: (sings to the tune of "America")

I like to be here in Yakima

People to see here in Yakima

Food is all free here in Yakima

Hardly a tree here in Yakima

A JET:

I'm from an island called San Juan

I have a boat and a big lawn

CHINO:

I'm from the city of Spokane

We can do anything you can!

ALL:

People are proud here in Yakima

Working the crowd here in Yakima

Never a cloud here in Yakima

Singing real loud here in Yakima

(TONY moves to downstage R, MARIA to downstage L. They observe the action but don't see each other. BERNARDO sees RIFF, calls him out)

BERNARDO: (to RIFF) Hey YOU! Aren't you the guy who went against our motion for summary judgment last year?

RIFF: (to BERNARDO) Are you talkin' to me? Cause there's no way I'm talkin' to you.

BERNARDO: Oh yeah? Then take this! (Pulls a folded piece of paper out from under his coat, sticks it in RIFF's face. EVERYONE gasps. STRITMATTER and OFFICER KRUPKE come between them quickly.)

STRITMATTER: Now wait a minute! You put those pleadings away! You're not starting any litigation here! You're supposed to be networking, for pete's sake. This is neutral territory.

OFFICER KRUPKE: Yeah!

(BERNARDO snarls, puts paper back in his pocket. JETS & SHARKS retreat to their respective sides of the stage. STRITMATTER & KRUPKE retreat to back of stage. TONY & MARIA suddenly notice each other, react strongly, are obviously smitten. They meet in the center of the stage, do a little tippy-toe dance around each other. Orchestra plays "Cha-Cha," JETS, SHARKS, STRITMATTER, & KRUPKE freeze.)

TONY: Pardon me for being so forward, but I have to tell you I think you're the most worthy cause I've ever seen.

MARIA: And...and you could be the perfect partner for my grant application!

TONY: It's what I've always dreamed of. I'd love to...to work with you. Can I meet you again?

MARIA: Meet me in the parking lot — just after the keynote speaker — but we mustn't let Bernardo see us!

TONY: I'll be there!

MARIA: Until then!

(JETS and SHARKS unfreeze, exit to R and L respectively. STRITMATTER and KRUPKE unfreeze and exit R. MARIA exits L, leaving TONY alone on stage.)

TONY:(sings to the tune of "Maria")

Pro Bono

The most meaningful work I'll ever do

Pro Bono, pro bono, pro bono, pro bono

All that's just in this world in two little words

Pro Bono, pro bono, pro bono, pro bono

Pro Bono, pro bono,

Pro bono

I just got involved in pro bono

And doesn't it feel good to know I'm doing what I should

Pro Bono

I'll never stop doing pro bono

And suddenly I see

The justice system still needs me

Pro Bono

Say it loud 'cause it's so fulfilling

You can almost forget you're not billing

Pro Bono

I'll never stop doing pro bono

(exit TONY)

Scene IV: The Hotel Parking Lot

(SCENE CHANGER walks across stage with sign reading "The Hotel Parking Lot." Enter MARIA)

MARIA: (sings to the tune of "I feel pretty")

I feel networked

So connected

I'm connected to all that I see

And so networked

That the Rockefellers must fund me

See the legal services missing there!

Who can make a dent in that need?

Such a big disgrace

Such an ugly mess

Who can fix it up?

Suddenly it's me!

I'm empowered

And effective

From the roots to the top of the tree

And I know

I'm complying with LSC!

(Enter TONY.)

TONY: Maria! There you are!

(They rush to each other and stand center.)

MARIA: Oh Tony! I know with your help we could improve access to justice for my people! Can you work with me on these grant applications?

TONY: Oh Maria! I've always dreamed of helping a community organization just like yours! I'll do everything I can to maximize our resources!

MARIA: Oh Tony, Tony, Tony! Bernardo would be so angry if he found out! He hates everyone from Western Washington. But...I've never met anyone like you before!

TONY & MARIA:( Sing to the tune of "Somewhere")

There's a grant for us

A big fat grant for us

Tons of resources, help to spare

Wait for us somewhere

It's been tough for us

There's not enough for us

CLEAR, Columbia, and NJP

Just can't meet all the need, you see

Somehow, somewhere

We'll create access to justice

Even if they try to bust us

Somehow

There's a place for all

To stand up proud and tall

Work with me and we're halfway there

Work with me and we'll all get there

Somehow, somewhere, justice!

TONY: OK, now where's that grant application?

(MARIA pulls out papers, they start shuffling through them. Enter BERNARDO and the SHARKS from L, RIFF and the JETS from R)

BERNARDO: Maria! What are you doing working with him!

MARIA: Bernardo, no! I can't hide it from you any longer! Tony and I are...well...we've formed a strategic alliance to maximize resources!

BERNARDO: I'll kill him!

MARIA: Bernardo! Stop!

RIFF: Tony! Watch out!

(BERNARDO rushes towards TONY. RIFF steps between them, hands papers to BERNARDO.)

RIFF: (to BERNARDO) Here. Take that!

(BERNARDO looks at papers, realizes what they are, collapses.)

TONY: What happened?

MARIA: (kneeling down beside BERNARDO) You killer! You've decertified his class action!

RIFF: It was him or us, baby.

(enter GOOD FAIRIES OF FUNDING, far upstage)

GOOD FAIRY 1: Not exactly, hot shot.

MARIA: (to the FAIRIES) Who are you?

GOOD FAIRY 2: We are the good fairies of funding, left over from the last conference.

GOOD FAIRY 3: We can bring him back, but with one condition.

GOOD FAIRIES:(together) You all have to work together.

(FAIRIES move to center stage)

MARIA: But I thought this was a tragedy!

GOOD FAIRY 1: No dear, that's "travesty."

GOOD FAIRY 2:(to audience) Now if you really believe in Access to Justice, clap your hands, and Bernardo and his tenants' organization will come back to life. Clap! That's it! (to JETS & SHARKS) You too!

(Audience, JETS, & SHARKS all clap. BERNARDO staggers back on to his feet, clutching his heart and breathing with difficulty. As the clapping continues, he gets his strength back. He and RIFF shake hands. STRITMATTER and OFFICER KRUPKE enter, stand center stage for final song.)

GOOD FAIRY 3: And now you all must join us in singing the finale! Turn to number six on your songsheets!

EVERYONE: (Sings to the tune of "Tonight")

Tonight our dream is everybody's dream:

Providers, clerks, the bench, and the bar

Tonight, we know that if we work as one

Then for us justice starts where we are

We struggle for Access to Justice

The obstacles are many

And still we have to fight

So dream tonight

And dream of truth and justice and right

Tonight

(Tableau: TONY & MARIA arm in arm; BERNARDO & RIFF shaking hands; JETS & SHARKS stand together, arms extended; STRITTMATTER, OFFICER KRUPKE, and FAIRIES stand on platform C. Entire company bows twice, then exits to R and L.)

FINIS