The State's Greatest Superheroes:
vs. Supervillain Status Quo
"When Indifference Strikes"
by Marla Beth Elliott
with thanks to, and help from, Dan Rader, Joan Fairbanks, and Miranda Elliott Rader
An original musical entertainment prepared for
Celebration 2000
and the Washington State Access to Justice Conference
Spokane, Washington
September 14, 2000
Dramatis Personae:
Lucy, a caseworker
Ethel, another caseworker
Chorus of Dickensian Orphans
The Goddess of Justice for Administrative Law
The Goddess of Justice for Superior Court
The Goddess of Justice for the Court of Appeals
Status Quo, a supervillain bent on statewide destruction
His henchmen: Cynicism
Prejudice
Ignorance
Burnout
Suspicion
Bias
Mrs. Palsgraf, a receptionist at the Temple of Justice
The Justice League of Washington:
Justice Guy, who becomes The Justiceguy
Barman
The Incredible Clerk
Superiorjudge
Captain Jurisprudence
OACWoman
Wonderadvocate
The Green Volunteer
The Supremes, state Supreme Court justices who, with The Justiceguy, comprise a majority opinion
The Good Fairies of Funding
Chorus of additional Superheroes
SONGS
Food Stamps, Glorious Food Stamps to the tune of Food, Glorious Food
(Orphans)
Status Quo's Song to the tune of Sympathy for the Devil
(Status Quo, henchmen)
Take me to the Courtroom to the tune of Take Me To the River
(Mrs. Palsgraf, orphans)
Barman to the tune of Soul Man
(Barman)
Washington Justice League to the tune of Yellow Submarine
(All superheroes)
We are the Champions to the tune of the same name
(Everyone)
Instrumental music:
Overture
Helmet of Indifference sound effects
Transition music between Scene 1 and Scene 2
Transition music between Scene 2 and Scene 3
Trumpet 'Tah-dah' for The Justiceguy
Fight scene music & sound effects
'Stop in the Name of Love' at Supremes' entrance
Curtain call and exit
SCENE 1
(Overture begins. Slide on rear wall: "The Food Stamp office in Podunquamish, Washington?. One table center R. Two caseworkers, LUCY & ETHEL, enter and stand at the table at the end of the overture.)
LUCY: Wow, Ethel, this is a great job now that we've ended welfare as we know it!
ETHEL: You said it, Lucy. Now we can really help people, just like we've always wanted to!
(Enter Dickensian ORPHANS from L)
LUCY: Aw, look at these little kids! Aren't they cute? What can we do for you, kids?
ORPHAN 1: If you please, mum, we are the adorable ragamuffin orphans from Charles Dickens' immortal Oliver Twist. We've come to apply for what we need most?
ETHEL: Why, what did you have in mind?
ORPHANS: (sing to the tune of "Food, Glorious Food")
Food Stamps, glorious food stamps
We need some assistance
Don't send us to boot camps
Help us to subsistence
Bread, sausage, and apple pie
Zucchini and cold cuts
Just give us a fish to fry
And some chocolates
We also need rent
And clothing and health care
We haven't a cent
So we came to welfare
But first if you could include
Yam, ham, clam, and spam stamps
Food stamps, glorious food stamps
Wonderful food, glorious stamps!
ETHEL: My oh my, who can resist such adorable children! Sign here and we'll complete your application right away!
(PREJUDICE, one of the Evil Henchmen, sneaks up behind LUCY and puts a Helmet of Indifference on her, then sneaks off R. The helmet has wires coming out of it, lights flashing, spirals turning. Sound effects as LUCY'S eyes glaze over and she becomes like a machine.)
LUCY (in a voice like an automaton): Wait! Our regulations specifically prohibit providing benefits to fictional characters. Your application is denied.
ETHEL: Lucy! What's happened to you? I knew becoming a supervisor would go to your head sooner or later. (To ORPHANS) I'm afraid I can't give you food stamps, kids, but you are entitled to request a fair hearing.
ORPHAN 2: Please, then, ma'am, we want a fair hearing!
ETHEL: Lucky for you the Goddess of Justice for Administrative Law is in her office right now! I'll go tell her you're here.
(THE GODDESS OF JUSTICE FOR ADMINISTRATIVE LAW, or ALGOJ, enters and stands DL. She is adjusting her scales & blindfold. ETHEL crosses over to her. ORPHANS remain center stage. PREJUDICE grabs LUCY and exits with her R)
ETHEL: Excuse me, ALGOJ. We have some adorable orphans out here who want a fair hearing.
ALGOJ: Send them right in! I'm just putting my blindfold on.
(As ETHEL crosses back to Orphans, Evil henchman CYNICISM sneaks in, places helmet on ALGOJ, sneaks UL to watch. Sound effects; ALGOJ starts to move like a machine.)
ETHEL (to orphans): the Goddess will see you now.
(ETHEL exits R. ORPHANS cross DL stage to ALGOJ.)
ORPHAN 3: Please ma'am, can we have some justice?
ALGOJ (In a voice like an automaton): Justice is futile. You must give up.
ORPHAN 4: Give up? We'll never give up! We'll take this to the Supreme Court if necessary! Come on, boys! (ORPHANS rush off up center aisle. CYNICISM crosses down to face ALGOJ.)
ALGOJ (to Cynicism): Who? are? you?
CYNICISM: They call me Cynicism but who cares? You're coming with me to meet the boss! (CYNICISM grabs ALGOJ, carries her off L)
(Loud thrashy rock music continues through transition into scene 2.)
SCENE 2:
(Slide reads: 'The hideout of supervillain Status Quo, high atop Stevens Pass.' Enter STATUS QUO, laughing maniacally. Lights flash, smoke pours out, etc., like a rock show.)
STATUS QUO: Soon I, the evil supervillain Status Quo, will control the entirety of Washington State! Our Helmets of Indifference are an infallible tool for preventing access to justice! We've already managed to make most CLE's incredibly boring. It won't be long until the entire justice system becomes so stagnant and irrelevant to the public that government itself will cease to exist! (Laughs maniacally) Now here come my evil henchmen to report. Prejudice, what have you brought me?
(Enter PREJUDICE with LUCY, still in her helmet)
PREJUDICE: You don't have to worry about those pesky caseworkers any more, boss. They're all like this one now! She's had a compassionectomy!
LUCY (still in automaton voice): if you're poor it's your own fault. Why should I help you?
STATUS QUO: Excellent! (PREJUDICE guides LUCY to back of stage, where she stands like robot. CYNICISM enters with ALGOJ) Ah, Cynicism, whom do you have for us here?
CYNICISM: Only the Goddess of Justice for Administrative Law; now we've got her thinking straight!
ALGOJ: Justice is futile. You must give up.
STATUS QUO: Outstanding! Now let's see what the other teams have done. Burnout , Bias, Ignorance and Suspicion?
(BURNOUT & BIAS enter with the GODDESS OF JUSTICE FOR SUPERIOR COURT. SUSPICION and IGNORANCE enter with the GODDESS OF JUSTICE FOR THE COURT OF APPEALS. Each goddess wears a Helmet of Indifference.)
BURNOUT: We've got the goddess of Justice for Superior Court!
BIAS: She didn't put up much of a fight!
SCGOJ(automaton voice): Equity, shmequity.
IGNORANCE: And we've got the goddess of Justice from the Court of Appeals!
SUSPICION: What a pushover she was!
CAGOJ(automaton voice): No basis for review!
(HENCHMEN lead helmeted captive GODDESSES to back of stage, where they stand like robots. HENCHMEN return to STATUS QUO, center.)
ALL 3 GODDESSES (chanting): Must ration justice. Must ration justice. Must ration justice.
STATUS QUO: And only I control their indifference with this simple device! (Displays a remote control. He points it at the GODDESSES and hits a button. They stop chanting.) Now only one level of the justice system remains unconquered! Our next strike will be at the heart of the Temple of Justice itself!
(Sings to the tune of "Sympathy for the Devil")
Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm the man who stops all change
I've been around a long long time, and though you may think it's strange
I am here to make Washington lose the urge to rearrange
You can find me everywhere, well, except the stock exchange
Pleased to meet you, hope you know your place
I can keep you from ever getting to first base
Let's have everyone stay inside a lot
And never look around
You know me, just call me Status Quo
I'll keep you underground
So when you meet me, show some courtesy
We don't need no class-action case
Forget your brave new policies
I can lay them all to waste
Pleased to meet you, don't forget my name
It's Latin for staying just the same!
STATUS QUO: To the temple of justice! Quickly, into the Apathymobile!
(Exeunt omnes. Music to cover scene change.)
SCENE 3
(Slide: 'At the Temple of Justice in Olympia'. Desk & chair L, MRS. PALSGRAF at desk with phone)
MRS. P. (talking on phone): Hmm, yes I see. A train station, eh? And a box of fireworks? Well, if you ask me, I think you had no business helping him onto that train in the first place!
JUSTICE GUY (Enters from L wearing judicial robe and holding scales of justice; speaks with the distracted intensity of Sherlock Holmes): Who is it, Mrs. Palsgraf? Has my pizza arrived yet?
MRS. P: Oh, it's nothing, Justice Guy, just another potential appellant. Watch out with those scales, will you? You nearly hit me. I'll let you know when the pizza gets here.
JUSTICE GUY: I'll be in my chambers. (Exit JUSTICE GUY)
(Enter Orphans, running, from center aisle.)
ORPHAN 5: Excuse me, is this the Supreme Court?
MRS. P (not really paying attention): Just put the pizza over there, boys.
ORPHAN 3 (comes up to desk, hat in hand): Please ma'am, can we have some more justice?
MRS. P (looks up): why, you poor little adorable orphans! What happened to you? Was it the fireworks at the train station?
ORPHAN 1: no ma'am, it was like this:
(Sings to the tune of "Take me to the River")
I don't know why they wouldn't give us food
After all, we're orphans; they were so rude
When they denied us, what could we do?
We are appealing, so we came to you
I wanna know, won't you tell me
Can we get heard today?
Take me to the courtroom
(take me to the courtroom)
Let me in
(take me to the courtroom)
Won't you hear my case
(take me to the courtroom)
I know we could win
(take me to the courtroom)
MRS. P: I don't know why they treated you so bad
After all you're orphans, with no mom and dad
Look, here's an order shortening time
Let's get you heard before we run out of rhymes
I think I know, I can help you
We'll get you heard today
We'll take you to the courtroom
(take me to the courtroom)
We'll let you in
(take me to the courtroom)
You got a good case
(take me to the courtroom)
I bet you could win
(take me to the courtroom)
We'll take you to the courtroom, and let you in!
(Enter JUSTICE GUY.)
THE JUSTICEGUY: Mrs. Palsgraf, what is all this noise? And where is my pizza?
MRS. P: Oh your honor, a grave injustice has been done! These starving orphans need legal assistance!
JUSTICE GUY: Starving orphans, eh? Something tells me that mild mannered chief justice Richard Guy can't solve this problem alone. This is a job for The Justiceguy! (Rips open robe to reveal superhero costume; trumpet 'ta-dah!'.) Mrs. Palsgraf, send up the Justice Signal. If you need me, I'll be in the Fortress of Solicitude deep below the Temple of Justice!
(Justice signal appears on back wall--like the bat signal, but with scales of justice.)
MRS.P: come with me, children (She leads ORPHANS off stage R. Stagehands strike chair & table & phone.)
JUSTICEGUY (speaks directly to audience): The awesome power of my office must never be abused. Few people know that the Chief Justice presides over the most powerful assembly of superheroes ever seen in one state 'The Justice League of Washington! Soon my colleagues from Neah Bay to Walla Walla will shed their everyday secret identities and join me as the Champions of Justice they truly are. Here comes Barman now!
(Enter BARMAN R)
BARMAN (sings to the tune of "Soul man"):
Comin to you
From WSBA
Leadership?
We got it all the way
When justice calls
We got somethin
So don't worry I'm comin'
I'm the Barman, I'm the Barman
I'm the Barman, I'm the Barman
And that ain't all
When poor folks
Need legal aid
Your state bar
Won't let it fade
Us lawyers got
The right stuff
So lean on us, we're tough enough
I'm the Barman, I'm the Barman
I'm the Barman, I'm the Barman
JUSTICEGUY: Thank goodness you're here, Barman! We have a real problem!
BARMAN: I came as soon as I could! Look! Here's The Incredible Clerk!
(INCREDIBLE CLERK enters L)
INCREDIBLE CLERK: I came right away when I saw your signal, Justiceguy! How can we help!?
JUSTICEGUY: There's not a moment to lose! Our whole system of justice is being undermined by the evil Status Quo!
INCREDIBLE CLERK: Look! Up on the bench! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Superiorjudge!
(SUPERIORJUDGE enters from L. He clutches a gavel.)
SUPERIORJUDGE: What seems to be the problem, Justiceguy? And how can the rest of the judiciary help?
JUSTICEGUY: it's going to take all our resources, Superiorjudge! Thank goodness you're here just in time!
SUPERIORJUDGE: I've summoned another of our colleagues. Here comes Captain Jurisprudence now!
(Enter CAPTAIN JURISPRUDENCE from R.)
CAPTAIN J: I came as soon as I heard! However, even my superior intellectual analyses may not be enough this time! I took the liberty of sending for OACwoman!
(Enter OACwoman from L)
OACWOMAN: The Office of the Administrator for the Courts is ready to lend its superpowers to this mighty struggle! But we can't forget the lawyers in the field offices! Here comes Wonderadvocate now!
(WONDERADVOCATE & THE GREEN VOLUNTEER enter R. THE GREEN VOLUNTEER carries a lever.)
WONDERADVOCATE: It is I, Wonderadvocate! And I've brought our partner in justice, The Green Volunteer!
GREEN VOLUNTEER (Brandishing his lever): Ready to leverage resources, Justiceguy!
JUSTICE GUY: My colleagues, together we face the most formidable opponent ever! The powerful and evil forces of stagnation are allied against us!
(SUPERHEROES sing to the tune of 'Yellow Submarine'. Different superheroes sing each verse; all sing together on chorus.)
There's a time to take a stand
Starving orphans need a hand
We can fight for change you know
And defeat old Status Quo
Let's get off our derrieres
We can make the system fair
And we'll hear the rafters ring
As we all join in and sing
We're all part of the Washington Justice League
The Washington Justice League, the Washington Justice League
We're all part of the Washington Justice League
The Washington Justice League, the Washington Justice League
Everyone get on your guard
Making changes can be hard
From Spokane to Hoquiam
There's a fight that must be won
We're all part of the Washington Justice League
The Washington Justice League, the Washington Justice League
We're all part of the Washington Justice League
The Washington Justice League, the Washington Justice League
(Enter MRS. PALSGRAF R)
MRS. P: excuse me, Justiceguy, there's an evil supervillain and his henchmen here to see you.
JUSTICEGUY: Send them in. we're ready!
(Exit MRS. PALSGRAF. STATUS QUO enters. Behind him, the Henchmen escort the GODDESSES & LUCY in their helmets. CYNICISM carries a green boulder.)
STATUS QUO: So--the famous Justice League of Washington! Even your amazing coordinated resources are no match for me! As you see, not only have I captured the hearts and minds of the welfare workers, I already have the three Goddesses of Justice in my power! Thanks to this simple device (holds up remote control) that controls the amazing Helmets of Indifference, they are unable to perceive inequities in the system you set up and perpetuate! Hahahahaha! Soon the Dickensian orphans will starve from lack of food stamps! Then we'll plunge all of Washington into partisan squabbling, turf wars, and despair! And I shall reign supreme! Hahahahahah!
BARMAN (to other Superheroes): It's true that he could defeat any one of us individually; however, if we band together, we could be unbeatable!
OACWOMAN: Let's get to work, Justice League!
JUSTICEGUY(throwing the first punch): Do your worst, Status Quo!
(Music starts for BIG SLO-MO FIGHT SCENE: The following things happen simultaneously:
1. JUSTICEGUY hits STATUS QUO in the jaw. STATUS QUO reels, and punches him back.
2. BARMAN and SUPERIORJUDGE start throwing punches with CYNICISM. They continue to fight.
3. IGNORANCE & BURNOUT come after THE GREEN VOLUNTEER, but WONDERADVOCATE comes up behind BURNOUT, grabs his hair, and throws him to the ground. IGNORANCE responds by holding out the green boulder to WONDERADVOCATE, who collapses in front of it.
4. PREJUDICE and THE INCREDIBLE CLERK get into a strange wrestling hold in which THE INCREDIBLE CLERK eventually prevails.
5. OACWOMAN and BIAS put kung-fu moves on each other.
6. CAPTAIN JURISPRUDENCE plays rock-paper-scissors with SUSPICION, who loses and collapses.
Through all this, LUCY and the 3 GODDESSES in Indifference Helmets stand in a cluster upstage R, staring into space.
Music behind all: Drums simulate fight sound effects. STAGEHANDS hold up big signs behind fighters in odd-shaped sunbursts: "biff, bang, thwok, thump, kapow" etc.
At end of fight scene, all henchmen are on the floor with a superhero's foot on them; but STATUS QUO holds JUSTICEGUY by the ear. JUSTICEGUY is kneeling.)
STATUS QUO: Now I've got you at last, Justiceguy!
JUSTICEGUY: My powers as chief justice can only go so far! What can I do?
(Band plays 'Stop in the Name of Love' as THE SUPREMES, 4 Supreme Court Justices enter in feather boas & judicial robes, stand behind JUSTICEGUY.)
JUSTICE 1: Stop! In the name of us!
JUSTICE 2: We're the Supremes!
JUSTICE 3: We're your worst nightmare, Status Quo!
JUSTICE 4: Your villainy is no match for?
ALL JUSTICES TOGETHER: a majority opinion!
(STATUS QUO reels back, lets go of JUSTICEGUY, and drops the remote control.)
STATUS QUO: It's true! You may have won this round, Justice League of Washington! But I'll get you yet! (STATUS QUO runs up aisle and escapes. JUSTICEGUY picks up remote control.)
JUSTICEGUY: We'll see about that, Status Quo! Thanks for your help, colleagues! And now to remove those evil helmets! (Punches buttons on the remote control. 3 GODDESSES and LUCY remove helmets, act as if waking from a long sleep. Sci-fi music effects.)
ALGOJ (Coming forward): Now what was I doing when that awful helmet changed everything? Oh yes--The orphans and their food stamps!
(Enter ORPHANS with ETHEL and MRS. POLSGRAF from R. MRS. P and ETHEL carry baskets of fruit.)
ORPHAN 2: Yes, what about us? We still need help with our food stamp denial, as we are merely poor orphans!
BARMAN: This looks like a job for Wonderadvocate!
WONDERADVOCATE (far L, cringing before cardboard green boulder): I'd like to help, Barman, but I'm paralyzed by the Kryptonite of inadequate funding! Even the Green Volunteer may be helpless to remove this obstacle!
(GREEN VOLUNTEER tries to move boulder with his lever, can't because it's too heavy.)
GREEN VOLUNTEER: Must leverage..all..resources!! (Collapses from exertion) Aaugghh!
INCREDIBLE CLERK: Oh no! What can we do now?
(Enter GOOD FAIRIES OF FUNDING with a larger lever with money stuck to it.)
GOOD FAIRY 1: Just leave that to us, Justice League!
GOOD FAIRY 2: You didn't think you could get through this skit without the good fairies of funding, did you?
GOOD FAIRY 3: Try this lever, Green Volunteer!
(They give the bigger lever to the Green Volunteer, who then rolls away the boulder with ease. All cheer when the boulder rolls away.)
WONDERADVOCATE(bouncing back to strength): Your honor! The department seeks to deny these children food stamps on the basis that they are fictional characters! What these caseworkers have failed to grasp is that we are all fictional characters here!
ALGOJ: why you're right! There's no need to send this case up on appeal! I can grant those food stamps right now!
MRS. P: Nutritious snacks for everyone! (MRS. POLSGRAF and ETHEL give bananas to orphans & everyone else)
(THE REAL JUSTICE GUY enters, stands center. He is joined by additional SUPERHEROES in costume.)
THE REAL JUSTICE GUY: Wait! It's true that you all are fictional characters! But--at least for a few more months--I really am The Justiceguy! (Tears open shirt to reveal superhero logo) We defeated Status Quo this time; but if we are to succeed in making our state truly the land of the free, we need the help of everyone here! You actually can go out and make the Justice League of Washington a reality! Join us! Become a Champion of Justice and sing along!
(All Sing "We are the champions." Lyrics are projected on wall so everyone can sing along.)
We are the champions of justice
And we'll fight to deserve your trust in us
We are the champions, we are the champions
No time to lose now, if we are the champions
Of the law
(All bow, exit up center aisle as music continues to play.)
FINIS
