Bulimia: A Consuming Passion
By a metropolitan large law firm lawyer
I have always been a hardworking person: energetic, competitive, and dedicated to goals. Why, with this apparent arsenal of interpersonal strength, was I unable to go for an entire day without gorging myself with food and intentionally vomiting? I have now come to learn that the answer was simple. Bulimia, like alcoholism, is an addiction and I am bulimic.
Bulimia is an eating disorder characterized by recurrent episodes of binge-eating and purging. The usual method of purging is self-induced vomiting; however, laxatives, fasting, and severely restrictive diets are all methods I and others have used to eat excessively and avoid weight gain.
Contrary to popular belief, bulimia should not be viewed simply as an extreme method of weight control. Although desire for weight control is the usual reason people start binging and purging, bulimics become physiologically and psychologically addicted. I became so hooked that I rearranged or eliminated all activities to allow time for my daily encounter with bulimia. This became a response to all the stress in my life.
My disordered eating began early. In my teens it seemed like a harmless obsession with dieting. However, with the passing of each year, my disordered eating worsened. I experienced an episode of anorexia (self-induced starvation characterized by weight loss of at least 25% of one's normal body weight) in college without even realizing what anorexia was or what was wrong with me. I knew only that I was getting thin and that I had discovered a new-found sense of control over my life.
Eventually, I regained my lost weight; this put me back at my normal body weight. I again set out to become thin, knowing "you can never be too thin . . ." I promptly lost the weight but I panicked. What if I gained it back again? I resolved that this would not happen. An inner voice I came to despise said, "Don't worry, if you eat too much --- just throw up." I thought I'd invented the wheel. From that moment on, for the next four years, I binged and purged numerous times every day. At first it was exhilarating. My stomach was empty but my mind said it was full. I had finally beaten the system! Then, the obvious realization came. I was out of control; I could not stop.
During this dark period I was successful at work, often volunteered for several community organizations, and was married. My life looked absolutely wonderful --- from the outside. There was just one major problem. I was dying inside.
Every day, I went to work, did my job and vowed that after leaving I would not stop at the grocery store of a restaurant. Every day I stopped. I kept detailed mental notes of which stores I had been to, so the clerks would not recognize me. Occasionally, a clerk would look in my overloaded shopping cart and comment, "Hope you have a fun party." I wanted to die.
My daily existence was a secret hell. It began with a search for cash. Did I have enough money to buy food? Would I be able to continue to hide my food purchases from my spouse? Would I have enough privacy? At some point, I quit trying to quit. I knew I would die young, and that seemed like the only solution.
When you are practicing bulimia your priorities change. I was no exception. An example: most people I know rate restaurants on the quality of food. I developed my own private rating system: one star for restaurants with an individual private bathroom stall; two stars if there was also a fan loud enough to muffle the sound of my retching. (Of course, I only went to the "best" restaurants.)
In addition to my bulimia I also began abusing alcohol in an effort to curb my bingeing and relieve the extreme depression and guilt. Not surprisingly, my efforts were unsuccessful and I became unable to control my drinking. As the drinking progressed, I eventually cam to realize that I was also an alcoholic. I have since learned that many people with bulimia are also alcoholics.
Bulimia exacted a price. I spent thousands of dollars on food alone. In fact, I've since mused that I have eaten enough food to feed a small country. I lost my self-respect, honesty, and many relationships. Friends and bulimia do not mix. I was an isolated shell who had lost the ability to feel or cry. I also suffered physically. I was chronically dehydrated, experienced nightly bowel and leg cramping, frequently fainted, and was constantly troubled with swollen glands, throat irritation and bloated face, hands and feet. Thanks to the ongoing help for recovering people, today I do not have to live in the clutches of addiction. Initially, I was helped by two attorneys who extended the hand of recovery when I was unable to help or love myself. My thanks would be incomplete without mention of the unconditional support and love of my spouse.
My purpose in sharing this private story is not to shock or offend. It is to offer hope to those with eating disorders, depression and alcoholism. Recovery is possible. There is help. All you have to do is ask.
What it Means
This lawyer controlled her chronic depression through a compulsive eating disorder. She experienced many of the typical signs of the accompanying depression including the following:
- She felt that the important aspects of her life were out of control.
- She was constantly thinking about things she had to accomplish.
- She had trouble falling asleep.
- She often had to check and doublecheck what she had finished.
- She was feeling hopeless about the future.
Peer support made the difference for this author. The Lawyers' Assistance Program (LAP) provides effective, confidential services for lawyers who wish to treat their distress, end their isolation, and begin their recovery.
If this fact pattern sounds familiar, or if alcohol, depression, drugs, etc. have become the focus of your life, please call LAP at (206) 727-8268. We can assist you or a fellow lawyer.
Originally published in the Washington State Bar News, March 1988.
