The Hope and Joy of Sobriety
"I am a woman, an attorney, and an alcoholic. I went to law school as a single mother in my mid-thirties. Although I did well there, I worried constantly about being good enough. I sipped wine at night while studying, rarely getting drunk, to relieve the dual stresses of school and single parenthood."
"After graduation, I joined a major Seattle firm. I was impressed by the lawyers I worked with, but this intensified the fear that I couldn't measure up. I worked hard, put in long hours, received outstanding reviews. From the outside, everything looked great. Inside, I couldn't keep up the pace: the more I succeeded, the more the firm expected from me, the more panicked I became. I put all my time and energy into my job, withdrawing from my few friends, even from my children. I just worked. And drank."
"I didn't drink socially. In fact, I didn't do anything socially. Just worked, went home, and drank alone. My law school 'glass or two' of wine became a liter or two. The more insecure I was, the more I drank; the more I drank, the more terrified I was that someone would discover I was an alcoholic. By day I was a successful attorney, by night a personal failure with a powerful addiction."
"On the verge of suicide, I made one desperate call of an acquaintance, a woman who worked in the area of alcoholism referral. For the first time, I admitted the nightmare I had been living. The sense of relief was even more intense than the pain. Within two days, at her recommendation, I told my story to an alcohol counselor and to an attorney who was two years into her own alcohol recovery. Thus began my own recovery."
"I refused to enter a formal treatment program, for fear the firm would find out. My confidants urged me to attend Alcoholics Anonymous, saying it would greatly increase my chances of staying sober. I couldn't imagine myself in AA. People like me don't join those groups. But some AA groups are filled with professionals, and one in Seattle is exclusively for attorneys. My peer counselors said people in AA would welcome me, even though I felt unacceptable. And they convinced me that I could truly be anonymous there."
"Finally, I tried it. I did fit in! Listening to other people's stories, I began to believe that if they could recover, I could too. The AA program helped me quit drinking. It continues to help me handle the stresses of daily living. With this program and my new friends in AA to rely on, I quickly lost the compulsion to drink. Gradually my feelings of inadequacy are being replaced with those of well-being and serenity. Isolation has given way to many friendships."
"My career is thriving. I have told several partners at the firm about my disease and recovery. They have been very supportive. A partner myself now, I still work hard, but I am no longer haunted by the fear that someone will 'find out' about me."
"My new focus is on helping other alcoholics who want a way out of the nightmare of alcoholism. When in that nightmare, I felt hopeless. Sharing my story helps me to share the hope and joy of my sobriety."
What it Means
This is a true history of a lawyer who has suffered from chemical dependency and is now in recovery. Although this lawyer's personal story is unique, her symptoms show two identifiable themes: alcohol dependency and clinical depression. Some of the signs she showed include:
- She often felt nervous, stressed and fearful about all aspects of her life, including her practice.
- She frequently felt inadequate and unable to cope with her work.
- Her relationships with friends and family were deteriorating.
- She frequently "needed a drink" to cope with good or bad happenings.
- She often felt difficulties were piling so high she could not overcome them.
- She had few, if any, friends or family members she felt she could turn to for support.
This woman nearly died before she finally cried out for help. Her recovery began as soon as she let qualified, caring people help her.
If you or another lawyer you know suffers from similar symptoms, the Lawyers' Assistance Program can help. We can arrange peer counseling with recovering lawyers, professional counseling, or other treatment as appropriate. We know how important confidentiality is, and we know which counselors and programs work best for lawyers. To take the first step, please call LAP at (206) 727-8268.
Originally printed in the Washington State Bar News, October 1987
