It Wasn’t the Law.
It Was Me.
Last year I crashed and burned . . . . again. Mostly I felt a sense of failure. I was changing jobs for the fourth time in four years. I had quit practicing law, because I thought I wanted something "better", but with each new job I felt that the stress was too much. I was embarrassed, and I withdrew from my friends and acquaintances. Home was no better: my finances were unstable; my wife threatened to leave me for being so cold; my kids began to have similar problems. I retreated, dissatisfied, into a the safety of a nice job in a law firm.
My life was not working, and I knew why. For years I had been a student of psychology and had read enough books to fill a library. My effort was not totally without successes and one of the root causes: I had been raised in a dysfunctional family. On the outside we looked like the Cleavers, but on the inside our home was sterile and devoid of emotion and expression; feelings were avoided at all costs. Third, I had become increasingly alienated from my feelings, needs and wants. I have always been a good robot, but that method of coping is unhealthy. All my intellectualizing had been ineffective in helping me make a change. I hurt so badly that, thank God, I finally accepted that willpower was not enough.
At this turning point, I knew that I could not make any significant change on my own. My problems were emotional in nature, so the answer lay in sharing my life, giving expression to what was in my heart --- work on the experiential, not the intellectual side. I called the Lawyers’ Assistance Program (LAP).
LAP referred me to an individual therapist, whom I began seeing once a week. I wanted to become aware of my feelings and how to process them in a healthy way, rather than denying and suppressing them.
LAP gave me another good idea --- meet with a peer counselor, an attorney who had recently worked on the similar issue of how to beat depression and get healthy. I did. Instantly we shared a common vocabulary, and I found myself sharing things that I had never revealed. We still meet once a month to compare notes and bear witness to each other’s struggles.
When I was ready, I began attending LAP therapy sessions. I’m glad, because I found the intensity of the sessions so powerful. I was shocked at how easily I tapped into deep feelings, ones that I had been unaware of.
I also explored whether my body chemistry was contributing to my chronic depression. I met with a drug treatment specialist who prescribed antidepressant medication. After six months, I can attest to the fact that it has been of significant help. I supports and complements the experiential therapies.
Group therapy convinced me that sharing was the key to improvement. As I wound down my involvement with the group, I resolved to build a network of confidants. My brother and sister agreed to meet with me once a month to listen to my struggles. We talk about our similar problems and how to support each other with ideas for growth. I plan to keep on expanding my circle. I sense that my momentum for growth is increasing.
I still have periods of depression, but they are milder, and the impact is much less than it used to be. At work, the results are objectively demonstrable: I have increased my productivity about 30%; my average daily billable hour rate is higher, more stable, and ---most importantly --- I work with less effort and more enjoyment.
My journey is far from finished. I am struggling improve my people, parenting and marital intimacy skills. At work I "dare to be average" rather than seek perfection, and I’ve learned that it’s okay to hurt a little as I go along. I’m still vulnerable, in fact more vulnerable, to both bad and good feelings, but this is healthy. I’m content with being a lawyer now. My problems are not about the law and me; and they weren’t before. They are about me and how I relate to life. As I become a more healthy and functional person, I find that the law is a satisfying, enjoyable career. In fact, I suspect that being a lawyer is my highest and best use.
Lawyers reporting a wide range of distress symptoms (e.g. clinical depression, eating disorders, chronic procrastination, alcoholism, anxiety attacks, anger problems, etc.) have sought LAP’s assistance. If you need the support of LAP, please do not hesitate to call (206) 727-8268.
