February 2003
Law, the Musical
by Jeff Tolman
Recently one of my partners had a show-cause argument in front of our court commissioner, Thurman Lowans, regarding a parent who had not returned her child after summer visitation for the beginning of school. As we discussed how to argue to the commissioner, it became clear that Rod Stewart had written all that needed to be said in Maggie May.
Wake up, Thurman, I think I've got something to say to you;
It's late September and he really should be back at school;
All she did was take her kid, and do her very best to keep him hid;
Thurman, we should have already seen his face;
She'll make a first-class fool out of you,
if you let her do what she'd do;
She took the child and that's what really hurts....
But, like most lawyers, we were afraid to try something so unconventional. It got me thinking, though, about how many legal songs there could be. Law and music together have so much potential. While my tear-jerking operetta Even a Subpoena Couldn't Bring Her Back to Me continues to unfold, just think of the songs that could be. A judge's lament about defendants avoiding confinement because there isn't enough jail space could easily be sung to the old Peter, Paul and Mary tune.
If I had a slammer,
I'd sentence in the morning,
I'd sentence in the evening,
all over this town;
I'd incarcerate bad guys,
I'd incarcerate bad girls,
I'd incarcerate those who think they're above the law,
all, all, all, over this town....
Defendants could sing a variation of the old Beatles' song to the prosecutor in hope of a lesser charge: Please Plea Me. The criminal-calendar judge's musings about the change in attitude in court could be sung to the tune of the Righteous Brothers' You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling.
You never close your eyes any more when I set your bail;
And there's no acceptance of guilt in your mind when I send you to jail;
You're trying hard not to show it, but Defendant, Defendant, I know it,
you've lost that responsible feeling....
Parties on the domestic show-cause calendar often are heard humming Kenny Rogers' You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, You Heel. As judges we often get defendants who owe fines to many courts, and we try to get across that our fine is the most important to pay. I have sometimes been tempted to sing She's So Fine with these words.
You got a fine;
and you gotta pay mine;
There are lots of courts everywhere,
who put you in financial despair;
But it's your fine;
And it's gonna be forever;
If it takes some time;
You can pay the rest whenever....
There are times when lawyers have to take a less-than-great case to trial. Their only hope is that the judge will see issues strongly in their favor. Those fact-finder lawyers could croon the Beatles number-one hit Hey Jude.
Hey, Judge, don't make it bad;
Take my sad case, and make it better;
Remember to open up your big heart,
then you can start, to make it better....
Hey, Judge, don't be afraid;
The Appeals Court will help you all they can;
Whenever they see a way to affirm;
They will confirm that you are the smartest, smartest, smartest....
Even conservative, strict, constructionist appellate judges could have an anthem — sung to Garth Brooks's great song I See Trends at Slow Paces. Will I break into song the next time I'm trying to be persuasive on the motion calendar? Probably not. But, Commissioner Lowans, if you hear me humming, I'm thinking about it.
