May 2005
The lighter side of the law
by Janet Skreen, Guest Editor
Somber. Dignified. August. Solemn. Those are the adjectives normally used to describe a courtroom. But each day in courtrooms across the state, laughter is heard amidst the weighty legal arguments. And the laughter isn't only from the lawyer jokes we've all heard.
We've all been in stressful situations that have been eased by humor. Sometimes the humor is intentional; sometimes, though not intentional, a remark is all the more funny because of the circumstances. This collection of amusing courtroom anecdotes came from across the state. We're grateful to those whose utterances eased the tension, and allowed us all to be humans when we sometimes found ourselves in places we'd rather not be.
The law is serious business, and our profession prides itself in addressing the serious problems of our clients. But, thankfully, occasionally we can smile at our own foibles, and enjoy the lighter moments of our calling.
Consider these anecdotes as evidence of the lighter side of family law:
A father, testifying in a temporary parenting plan hearing, verified that his wife historically did most of the parenting: "She did about 85 percent of the parenting. I did the other 30 percent."
In a child dependency case the mother, who had inconsistent success following the case plan, testified: "I've had to jump through loopholes."
A husband complained about the request that he pay his wife's "exuberant" attorney fees.
The woman presented her proposed final dissolution documents. It had been a short marriage, with no real property, no kids. Default. Very simple. In the paragraph regarding name changes, she had marked the boxes and filled in the blanks as follows:
[X] Wife's name shall be changed to Smith
[X] Husband's name shall be changed to S--t Head.
Husband's name change denied: she hadn't asked for his name change in the petition so the judge couldn't grant her request.
Different woman, same situation. The requested name change this time: "The Luckiest Man in the World." Denied for the same reason.
From a declaration in support of a request for spousal maintenance: "I can no longer work because I have carpal tunnel vision."
Levity is also found in criminal and civil proceedings:
In a marijuana case, the subject plant was seen well inside the living room of a house that was surrounded by a large, wide porch and a fence enclosure around the yard. The police report included this statement: "While on routine patrol on the Defendant's front porch, I observed . . . ."
The judge told the 18-year-old drug court participant she didn't appreciate his cavalier attitude. He looked confused, so the judge asked, "Do you know what cavalier means?" He said, "Yeah, it's a car. A Chevy."
Judge: "Why do you need an order of protection?"
Petitioner: "Because Mr. Smith attacked me."
Judge: "Why did he attack you?"
Petitioner: "Because I took part of his dog."
How about the defendant who complained about his lawyer, the "public pretender," or the one who took the "fifth commandment" on the witness stand?
Counsel: "Well Mr. Smith, when did you and Mr. Jones consummate the deal?" Mr. Smith: "Well, I liked the guy, but not that much!"
The judge instructs the jury: "Your first duty is to select a presiding juror. It is his or her duty to see that discussion is carried on in a sensible and orderly fashion . . . ." The judge goes on to discuss the role of the presiding juror, the qualities jurors should look for in making a wise selection, and alternate ways for making the selection. The jury begins to deliberate and immediately has this question for the bailiff: "Can you tell us when we're supposed to pick a foreman of the jury? The judge forgot to tell us."
And then there are the classic one-liners:
"I was mostly born in Spokane."
"My girlfriend is almost pregnant."
"It certainly raised some eyeballs."
"I was pretty incarcerated."
"She's more or less my fiancée."
"He was a little bit small for his size."
"As far as men go, he's a good father."
"You have to commit suicide to get in."
"My client is incredibly believable, Your Honor."
"This year, Christmas falls on December 25th."
"I left my briefcase in Idaho."
"Your Honor, I will be glad to urinate for you any time."
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WSBA member Janet Skreen is a former Kitsap County Becca court commissioner and courthouse facilitator. She is currently senior court program analyst in the Administrative Office of the Courts.
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