April 1999

Editor's Page
Improve Your Accounts Receivable With a "Name the Moose (Elk) Head" Contest

Our law office recently discovered a method to dramatically reduce accounts receivable using the classic technique of a "Name the Moose (Elk) Head" contest. For those lawyers saying, "Of course, we already did that," there's no need to read further. But for those of you unfamiliar with this method, read on.

It all started innocently enough. A paralegal in our office hung a "kitty quilt" on an unadorned wall, declaring it to be the cutest thing she had ever seen. The kitty quilt remained on the wall for several months until one day the paralegal overheard one of the partners in our firm suggest that the kitty quilt on the wall was the most awful piece of fluff he had ever seen. This same partner (who shall remain nameless) offered the helpful suggestion that the kitty quilt (sort of a pink "foo-foo" thing with kitties playing with string and other stupid stuff) could still be useful if used as an oil rag for his vintage Mustang, only he was afraid of insulting his car. One of the associates in the firm, who likewise will remain nameless, voiced similar helpful suggestions. Together, this partner and the associate suggested that anything, even something like a dead animal head, would be far better than the disgusting kitty quilt.

Several months later my birthday arrived, as it often does, on March 30th. I had given the usual requests to my sick and demented staff — "No black balloons, no black crepe paper, no hiring embarrassing dancers, etc." I forgot to say, "No animal heads." Imagine my delight when I entered the office and saw, fastened to the wall, an elk head. Standing underneath the elk head were my wife and partner, Janine, and our staff. "Do you like the moose?" they chorused.

Not wishing to hurt their feelings, and noticing that it did look a darned sight better than the quilt, I did not mention to them the subtle differences between a moose and an elk, and I gushed with enthusiasm over this wonderful birthday gift.

A battle of wills ensued. I would not admit that the moose (elk) head was anything other than beautiful. As my clients and I walked toward my office, their gaze would fix on the moose (elk) head — much like Scrooge viewing Marley's ghost. I tried to dismiss it, claiming I hadn't noticed it before, and insisting it must belong to the previous tenants, but everyone saw through my clever ruse.

Finally a PR idea worthy of Wall Street came to me. I decided to have a "Name the Moose (Elk) Head" contest!

Following are the contest rules as given to our clients:

1. Your entry must accompany your payment on your bill. Clients who have not paid their bill in full may not enter the contest without the express written consent of one of the partners. We probably won't give consent, so I wouldn't even bother to ask if I were you.

2. No previously trademarked moose names will be allowed (so don't even try "Bullwinkle," because it won't work).

3. If you suggest the name "Greg" or "Gregory," your attorney's fees will be doubled. However, it is OK to suggest "Lisa," "Pat," "Janine" or "Julie," because they started this in the first place.

The winner of this contest will be awarded (at the discretion of the Lawless Partnership) one of the following prizes:

1. The Queen Mary
2. Europe
3. A moose (elk) head
4. Elizabeth Taylor or Jack LaLanne

I suspected that no one would enter the contest, because if they did, they ran the risk of winning. Imagine my shock when entries started flowing in, always accompanied by checks paying their accounts in full!

Many of our clients spent considerable time coming up with suitable moose (elk) head names, causing us to worry about them. Creativity such as theirs should be recognized not just by their therapists, but by a learned publication such as Bar News. Here are some of the entries we received:

A well-respected elder law attorney sent in the name "Cubby and Annette" because, as he wrote "they were the cutest mooses." Naturally that entry was disqualified, because Annette was not a moose.

A prominent physician wrote, "How about 'Tort?' If it's a Scottish moose, it could be 'Tortie,' a Mexican moose 'Tortilla,' a bad moose 'Tortlet,'" and, he suggested, "if it's a dead moose, 'Tortmort.'" We had to disqualify that entry as being out of touch with reality. If it's dead? A stuffed moose (elk) head! Obviously he had spent a few too many minutes on the Disney ride "Bear Country USA."

A particularly bitter entry was "My Ex." We were not sure if the Ex or the moose was being insulted, but we knew someone was.

A promising entry —"Rumpole"— was suggested by one of our clients, but the entry was rejected because the contestant insisted that if given Europe as a prize, he would require that he not have to join the Common Market. We didn't want to get into the middle of that old debate and thus rejected the entry.

"Elmoo B. Bodiless, Attorney on the Wall" and "Mustang 'Smooth as Elk' Sally" very nearly won the contest, but just didn't seem to fit this particular moose (elk).

Things Get Ugly

Our entire office met, sorted through the entries, and declared a winner. We also selected the appropriate prize (and I know this will come as a shock): the moose (elk) head. We decided that the best way to award the prize was simply to show up at the client's office, without an appointment or hint that we were coming, and deliver the head. Our concern, of course, was that the client, so overwhelmed with joy, would not keep the moose (elk), believing the prize to be overly generous. Having decided on a winner, our associate, David Parker, and I, filled with the joy Santa must feel on Christmas morning, put the top down on my Mustang, placed the moose (elk) head in the back seat, and drove to the client's office. Sure, a few people stared, since they are not used to a moose (elk) glaring at them from the back seat, but it turned out to be a good warmup for what was to come.

The client's office is near Pike Place Market, and the nearest parking is, I would guess, 43 miles away. So we parked the Mustang (probably in Everett) and began the long journey to their office, carrying the moose (elk) head.

We tried to be inconspicuous by wearing sunglasses, but it didn't seem to work. After 20 or 30 miles we grew accustomed to the sarcastic comments. "That's one way to get ahead" seemed to be the most popular barb. David kept asking if this was in his job description. I assured him it was.

Just when we were approaching the home stretch, no more than a mile or two from our destination, we ran into:

The Animal Rights Activist

"I can't believe you would walk the streets of Seattle with a moose head," she snarled.

"It's an elk," I pointed out, hoping she was only a member of the Save the Moose League. "I can't believe it, either."

"Elk, moose, who can tell the difference," she hissed.

"Funny you should say that," I commented. "You see, this was a birthday present..." I started to explain.

"Moose tastes gamier than elk," David blurted, not helping the cause at all. I later found out that the elk was, in fact, shedding on David at that moment, leaving elk dust all over him, which could have explained his lapse of sanity.

The woman again glared at us and stomped off. Her miscalculation was that she was going in the same direction we were, giving the impression that she was part of the entourage. She was obviously not as accustomed to sarcastic comments as we were, judging by the several shades of red she turned as we progressed down the street.

When we finally reached our destination, we couldn't find the stairs up to our client's office. Lugging the moose (elk), we finally asked directions, but couldn't get a straight answer from anybody. They probably didn't trust the sunglasses. After an eternity, we found the hidden stairway to our client's office.

I had wanted to make a favorable impression because, although I have represented this excellent business for years, I had never met my clients in person. I am sure they were impressed when we entered, dripping with sweat, filthy with moose dust and hair, holding a huge dead animal head, announcing, "Hi, we're your lawyers."

But it was all worth it, because of:

Joy and Bliss

Never have I seen such happiness and joy in people's eyes as when we delivered that moose (elk) body part. To say they were overwhelmed would not be an exaggeration. Speechless, wide-eyed, and unsuspecting. And I know your clients will respond the same way, too.

In fact, overcome by this glorious award, my clients forgot to express themselves in words. Using just a little "author's license" and knowing full well by their body language and gestures what they meant to say, I will try to reproduce this wondrous event.

Greg:
"Despite my sweaty and disgusting appearance, I am in fact a beloved messenger. I have come to announce that you have won the Lawless Partnership 'Name the Moose (Elk) Head' Contest, and this moose (elk) noggin is forever yours."

Rebecca, nearly swooning with joy, didn't speak, but I knew she was thinking: 
"Oh joy and bliss! Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted an moose (elk) head, especially one with the antlers removed so there are two holes in the top."

Tim would have responded, but for the torrent of emotions overcoming him:
"Yes, oh yes, I have lived a long and productive life (mostly), and I have had many good things in this life, but nothing can compare to this, an award of a dead moose (elk). Are they really cross-eyed in nature?"

I must confess we all got a little misty-eyed at this point in the ceremony. Luckily the sweat and elk dandruff that covered David and me helped hide this breach of etiquette, but in some ways I'm glad we could weep when happiness abounded all around us.

Perhaps even more touching was the generosity we witnessed between Tim and Rebecca, each insisting the skull would go in the other's office.

And then there was the search through the office, trying to find out who entered the contest. That noble person, not wanting all the glory, remained anonymous.

Yes, it was hard leaving that office in downtown Seattle, but as I said to David, "It is a far, far better thing that you did today than you have ever done before. It is a far, far better place he went than he has ever been before." 

Having boosted our collections by 20 percent, given our clients reason for joy and celebration, and touched and enriched so many lives, we then bid Fluffy farewell.