October 1999

Tolman Law Library (Not)

Recently, one of the area law schools developed a catalog to fund their new building. For donations of certain amounts you can get parts of the new law school facility named after you. For a $2.5 million gift, for example, the library will be named after you. A lesser amount will get you a classroom or building or restroom bearing your name. No professional or locale requirements. Just money.

Initially, I was appalled. While this merchandising of the law may be the wave of the future, how would Lady Justice take this? Is nothing sacred?

Think of the morning announcements:

"Good morning, law students. The John Gotti Criminal Procedure class will be cancelled today so that you can attend the Notorious BIG lecture series at noon in the Howard Stern Library.

"The Bob Guccione First Amendment seminar will be moved from the Nike Room to Budweiser Hall for today’s class only.

"Remember, the Copenhagen Moot Court Finals will take place Saturday at 1 p.m. in Costco Auditorium.

"Have a good day."

Usually I am late to come on board with any new trend. What if these legal educators are right about combining product advertisement and the law?

Just think, my Poulsbo court could be on the cutting edge:

"Ladies and gentlemen, please rise. Poulsbo Municipal Court is now in session. This announcement is sponsored by Lancome. We’ll help you look good in front of the judge. The Honorable Jeff Tolman presiding."

My robe would look quite nice with an Adidas logo on it. Hardly anyone would notice subtle golden arches on my gavel. Like Dave Niehaus and Rick Rizzs, I could throw in ads in the course of my dialogue:

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Jeff Tolman, the Poulsbo judge. Tonight we have three calendars. First is the arraignment calendar. That is where we make sure you understand the nature of the charge against you and your constitutional rights. Tonight’s advice of rights form is sponsored by American Express: ‘Like our card, never leave home without these rights.’

"After making sure you understand those things we will have you enter a plea of guilty or not guilty. If you enter a plea of guilty, I will review the police report to see if there are sufficient facts to accept that plea. We will then proceed with sentencing. So long as I sentence you within the limits of the law, you have no right to appeal. If you enter a plea of not guilty we will set a pre-trial hearing.

"Sentencings tonight are sponsored by Miller: ‘If you do some time, we’ve got some beer.’"

And off we would go, interspersing advertising sound bytes into the court procedures. Our payment plan, for example, could naturally be sponsored by Burger King ("We Do It Your Way"); our community service by Nike ("Just Do It ").

Maybe this is the wave of the future.

On second thought, I think I’ll stick to the old way — justice uncluttered by commercialism. Call me old-fashioned. With all of these changes on the horizon, Lady Justice may be glad she is blind. Seeing how far law schools have to go to get donations would be painful.

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