March 2002

The Corporate Spouse: A Necessary Ingredient to Business Success?

by Rosemary Daszkiewicz, Guest Editor

I don't have a "corporate spouse," that is, someone responsible for running the home and supporting me in my practice. Yet research completed in the late 1990s and cited in the Washington Post makes it clear that just such a helpmate is "essential for those who want to succeed in business." With a few exceptions, the same holds true for those who want to reach the highest rungs of success in the law — at least those who want that measure of success — and a family.

When I worked at a large firm, there were 12 partners in my department. Eleven were men. I admired many of them as attorneys and learned much from practicing alongside them. But I found no role models to help guide me toward a healthy work/family balance. At the time, only one of those partners had children at home, and a working spouse. The remaining seven who had children — including the two who served as department heads during my tenure — had wives whose contributions to their families were not in the form of a paycheck. The lone female partner was single and childless.

I left that firm in 1992 and started my family in 1994. Through various fits and starts I ended up at a firm that is just a bit larger than my former department. Although there are a few more people here who share the two-income-young-children demographic, we're far from a majority. And of the three attorneys and one non-attorney who have served on my firm's management committee over the past five years, only one (our executive director) has personal experience with the demands that a two-careers-with-children lifestyle imposes.

This nonscientific observation highlights the issues that continue to sidetrack women who want to climb the ladder of success. How do you have the time to be successful at work, and take care of and enjoy a family? Is it possible to do both?

The way the system is currently structured, I've concluded that the answer is, unfortunately, "no." Those who climb the highest rungs are always able to put client needs first, no matter how demanding and unyielding — business trips on a moment's notice; dinners, sports or cultural events several times a week; weekends golfing or skiing with clients — not to mention the long hours of work demanded by the economic model we have created. None of this is possible without someone who is available to tend to the children, accommodate their schedules, see to the needs of the extended family, and keep the home in order (literally and figuratively).

There are several ways around this answer. One is to buy the services that would normally be provided by a stay-at-home spouse. From child care to cleaning to cooking to errands, entrepreneurs now offer the harried family all the comforts of a 1950s-vintage "wife." For a price, of course. If you're not careful, you find yourself working harder to pay someone else to do the things you would do if you weren't working so hard. There's also the option of stepping back on one front or the other; being less of a "player" at work, or having less of a role in your children's lives. The latter option has been forced on men for decades and has been a bitter pill to swallow for many. But it strikes me that it's easier to swallow that pill if the person filling in the gaps caused by your absence is a member of the family, and not just hired help.

As we mature, we learn that life is full of difficult choices. Still, I wish that more men shared my dilemma. Of those who are sympathetic to it (and there are many), I wish more were ready to make some changes in the professional environment to allow success on both fronts. A few would make a world of difference.

First, we need a change in attitude, including an acceptance of the notion that there's more than one definition of success. Just because you got where you are working 16 hours a day and seeing your children only on weekends doesn't mean that is the only way to succeed professionally. This is not a fraternity. Hazing rituals are not necessary to create a bond.

Second, we must remind our clients that there are limits to the scope of our jobs. Yes, I know how hard this is. But we all have to be willing to draw reasonable lines and stick to them, for ourselves as well as for the sake of our colleagues who have no option. If it's not an emergency, and you've worked a long, hard day, it's time to go home. Or to the gym. Or out with a friend.

Third, we must experiment with different types of leadership. Why should we limit our definition of success to those who work 2,400 hours a year? Wouldn't a more balanced approach result in better leadership? Firms must experiment to learn whether different forms of leadership will make the practice more efficient and rewarding.

Finally, there must be an open discussion of these issues by all of us — men and women, singles, couples and parents. In the absence of discussion, resentment blooms. Someone is "taking advantage" by having another child and using maternity leave again. Another bemoans the fact that she got stuck with all the travel. Someone seethes that no one understands how difficult his life is when he doesn't pick up the kids precisely at 6:00 p.m. Many of these problems can be resolved with a little communication. Even if they're not solved, listening never hurt.

I suppose I shouldn't grouse, because I have achieved a workable balance using several of the options I've described above. I buy high-quality, in-home child care for my first grader and preschooler. It's expensive, but the freedom of not having to pack children and tote them around outweighs the considerable cost — at least for now. My husband is an educator, with few weekend or evening obligations except grading papers. I work a bit less and get paid a bit less than my partners. Not every firm makes that a realistic option. And I have checked my ambitions to a certain extent — realizing that I will not be in charge of the world by the time I am 45, and trying to remember that raising children who know me well and look to me for their physical and emotional needs is so much more important.

This last choice is the only one that keeps me awake at night. Like many of my colleagues, I am ambitious. I would like to have the opportunity to contribute my ideas and vision. The question remains open whether, given my nontraditional balance, I can generate sufficient trust and respect from my colleagues to have the chance to do so. For now, I hold on to my balance dearly. I believe that I am contributing much on both the home and the work front. I hope my children and my colleagues agree.

Rosemary Daszkiewicz is a principal at Cairncross & Hempelmann, where she heads the employment group.

Excerpts of this article were originally printed in Business Law Today.