July 2008

Dealing with Phone Grazers

by Jeff Tolman

The phone rang on cue. It was 9:00 Saturday morning, the opening bell for the phone grazers.

“Tolman, Kirk and Franz,” I answered.

“I’m thinking about getting a divorce,” the voice on the other end of the line said. “What kind of a deal will you give me?”

I’d been through similar conversations many times before. The caller had not given his name. He was afraid I would send him a bill for any legal advice if I knew his identity. There was no interest in establishing a long-term relationship. If, a year from now, he were injured in a car accident he would spend Saturday mornings grazing again. This time it would be, “I’m thinking about hiring a lawyer for a personal injury claim. What kind of a deal will you give me?” He was not a client I wanted.

“I’ll buy you a weed eater after I finalize your third divorce through our office,” I responded.

“That’s stupid,” the caller said and hung up, no doubt already dialing the lawyer below me in his phone book.

He was right. My answer was stupid, but so was his question. I can’t imagine calling medical offices: “I’m thinking about getting a colonoscopy. What kind of a deal will you give me?” And (to use a bad pun), in the end, would I want the procedure performed by someone who I had negotiated into a modest fee? I recall that on one of the early Apollo flights the commander was asked how it felt in space. “I’m a little nervous,” he responded, “being way up here in a craft built by the lowest bidder.”

Despite the frequent wasting of time, I always take cold calls. Anyone who takes the time to call my office gets to talk to a lawyer, even the grazers. Once in a while a good case or client comes out of the call. There are some telltale signs, though, to watch for in callers seeking advice over the phone.

Does the caller give his name? Any caller who opens by saying “This is Sally Mulligan, I just have a quick question” gets a good answer. They aren’t trying to hide anything or be deceptive. An issue she thinks may be simple is bugging her. Will I answer her question? Sure. My interest wanes immediately when the caller does not state his name, and when I ask “To whom am I speaking?” either hangs up or says “you don’t know me,” or, my personal favorite, mumbles and coughs, as if a petit mal seizure occurred the moment my question was uttered: “This is ckyel (cough) liuywe (clear throat).”

Does the caller want a specific answer to a general question? Recently a grazer called and asked if I knew much about homeowners’ associations. “Some,” I responded. ”What is your question?”

“Is there a specific time homeowners association meetings need to take place?”

“It depends on what the association bylaws say,” I responded. “Often a specific date and time for the annual meeting are set forth in those documents.”

“Well, apparently you know a different side of Millie Guenther than I do!” the caller angrily responded. She immediately hung up, and began dialing, no doubt, another lawyer who may not side with the infamous, but unknown to me, Ms. Guenther.

Does the caller value your time? So often the grazers, since they don’t plan on paying anyway, think they own your day. They will start: “This is kind of a long story, though, I’ll try to make it short. Dad told me once, years ago when I was about 10, that I was conceived in the Antlers Motel in Greybull, Wyoming. My mom’s pregnancy was smooth, but the delivery was long....” Cut them off or feign a fire in your office. This grazer will keep you on the phone as long as you will let him, without any interest in hiring you at the end of the call. “Thanks. I appreciate your time and will get back to you,” they will say when your patience finally runs out, but won’t.

Does the caller think she has the right answer already and is only looking for assurance? “Last night on law talk radio I heard (already a giant red flag) that you should make 11 originals of your will and file each in a different state. Does your office do that?” a grazer may ask, or say “A lawyer I just spoke with, I don’t remember her name, told me....” Run away screaming from this caller. Tell her the question is so complicated that she needs to come in and discuss it with you face-to-face. She won’t. Or encourage her to trust the advice she just received from the no-doubt-competent attorney she just called. If you don’t take an aggressive course of action, you will get dribs and drabs of information, then if you disagree with the prior attorney’s advice at all you will get one final question: “Do you do malpractice? I think the last attorney I spoke with gave me bad advice!”

In the end it’s important to remember the type of clients every lawyer is after. Those with whom we can develop a long-term attorney-client relationship. Those who will refer their friends, family members, and coworkers to us. Those who won’t second guess us every second. Those who won’t constantly be looking for a good deal at 9:00 Saturday morning.

Jeff Tolman is a partner with Tolman, Kirk & Franz in Poulsbo. Since 1981, he has served as district and municipal court judge pro tem. He can be reached at 360-779-5561 or jefft851@aol.com.