November 2008

The Bar Beat Guide to Surviving the Recession

by WSBA Bar News Editor Michael Heatherly

In a recent Bar Beat, I satirically described how our profession might suffer should the economy continue to falter (“Will Litigate for Food,” July 2008 Bar News). In my scenario, once-successful attorneys resorted to living in refrigerator boxes, etc. I meant to exaggerate the worrisome but presumably manageable cracks appearing in the economy. As it turns out, the column might have been unduly optimistic.

We have now seen: the biggest bank failure ever (our own WaMu); the biggest Dow Jones Industrial Average point loss ever; the collapse of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, and Lehman Brothers; and a $700 billion bailout of Wall Street by the federal government. Things are so dire that momentous stories such as Clay Aiken’s coming-out and Heather Locklear’s DUI are relegated to the entertainment pages.

For the past several evenings I have huddled over my hotplate, sipping my Campbell’s soup, pondering how to negotiate the new recession. By the dim but economical glow of my wind-up radio/flashlight, I compiled the following guide.

The Bar Beat Guide to Surviving the Recession

1. Seriously, you must get one of these wind-up radio/flashlights. It’s like you’re camping all the time. You’ll have to crank it three or four times to get through a whole football game or read a book at night, but think of it as exercise you’re getting without buying a Soloflex.

2. When your clothes get dirty, turn them inside-out and wear them a few more days before laundering. If anyone asks why your clothes are inside-out, reply that they’re not inside-out, it is the new style for 2009, and it’s too bad some people can’t afford to be stylish anymore.

3. Take up home winemaking. Of course, it’s going to taste like rancid prune juice, but after the first few glasses, you won’t care. After a few more glasses, you won’t even care that your 401(k) is down to $6.89, which happens to be the value of your home as well.

4. Save up your spare change for a few months and treat the family to dinner at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Have everyone wear their loosest-fitting clothes and stash as much grub as possible to take home. For safety’s sake, keep a few bucks in reserve for hepatitis shots. Bonus tip: Line at least one pocket with plastic wrap to hold soup.

5. When your home goes into foreclosure and you’ve used up the last tank of gas you can afford, put the family in the car and say you’re going to play a new game where you see how far you can coast. When you eventually stop rolling, pull over and say, “Welcome to our new home!” When the laughter dies down, say, “No, really, we’re going to be living here a while. Dibs on the back seat.”

6. “Re-purpose” obsolete household items for new uses. For example, a flat-screen TV of 50 inches or larger makes a decent ping-pong table when Comcast cuts you off for not paying the cable bill. Also, a hot tub makes an excellent crockpot. Have fun with it! Invite the neighbors for a “tub o’ ramen” party.

7. Reassess your goals. If you used to dream of owning a sailboat, consider an inflatable raft instead. They both float and you don’t need moorage or a trailer for the raft. If you longed for a trip to the Mediterranean next spring, how about watching National Lampoon’s European Vacation while eating takeout from Olive Garden instead? Oh, who am I trying to fool? We’re all ruined! We’re all going to live like hobos, eating cat food under a bridge the rest of our miserable lives. WAAAAAAAHWHAAAAHWHAAAA! 

Bar News Editor Michael Heatherly practices in Bellingham. He can be reached at 360-312-5156 or barnewseditor@
wsba.org.