February 2006

Zeitgeist Postcard

Doctors or Lawyers: Who Really Has It Better?

by Jeff Tolman

The often hostile debates about Initiatives 330 and 336 got me thinking about the real differences between doctors and lawyers. Arguably, we have more similarities than differences. To become members of either profession you must be well educated, motivated, and interested in working with the public. Both professions have to deal with underbellies. Lawyers, the underbelly of society; doctors, actual underbellies.

So why all the potshots, misleading advertising, and good-versus-evil characterizations of our jobs?

I called my pal Dr. Cureusall for an analysis over a couple of libations. Our discussion led to a breakdown of individual categories, attempting to determine which profession really had it better.

1. Who is more interesting away from work?

Lawyers talk about clients, cases, and social justice. Doctors talk about how their 401(k)s are performing, which of the new car models they and their spouses will purchase, and the disturbing cost of private jet fuel.

Advantage: Lawyers.

2. Who are your worst clients/patients?

Dr. Cureusall: My worst patient is the 550-pound man who drinks a gallon or two of gin a day, wouldn’t recognize a vegetable if you handed him one, has bill collectors calling every three minutes, can’t recall the last shower he took, and has a substance covering his unbrushed teeth that makes Spam look healthy. He isn’t feeling well (what a surprise) and wants a pill to take care of all his problems. Now.

Me: My worst client is the Internet junkie who hangs around with people who are constantly in legal trouble. Before I introduce myself, he has unrolled the Internet printouts from hundreds of unrelated cases and law review articles. He next gives me his bar pals’ analysis of his legal problem, one by one, in a diatribe that, not surprisingly, takes exactly the same amount of time as the average happy hour. Before I get to speak, he mentions that he owes a lot of people money, but is well aware of every lawyer’s duty to provide pro bono service. He is a nightmare in a greasy tee shirt. Unrealistic expectations. Enough knowledge (mostly inaccurate) to challenge every word I say. No money.

Advantage: No one.

3. Who solves problems?

Doctors have the greatest prop in the world: the virus. All of us have heard the I-can’t-do-anything-for-you-but-that’s-OK words: “Jeff, you have a virus. In three or four days you’ll feel better. If not, take two aspirin and in the morning — let’s see, that would be Saturday — call Urgent Care.”

Lawyers would love to be able to say: “Mrs. Smith, there is an adverse possession virus going around. You’ll get over hating your neighbors in two or three days. Let’s just give it some time for the virus to run its course. If not, take your neighbors out to dinner and call me on Monday.”

Advantage: Doctors.

4. Who has the less likelihood of a malpractice finding?

Medical malpractice is often committed with the patient under anesthesia. The best witnesses are members of the same profession who probably like and respect the offending physician. The public knows doctors are doing their best to help the patient, and that medicine is an art and not a science. Finding witnesses and juries to support a negligence finding is tough.

On the other hand, the public is generally wary of lawyers. After all, haven’t they all heard that if the probate ever does end the lawyer will likely be living in their mom’s family home?

Advantage: Doctors.

5. Who does the most free work for the public?

Washington lawyers do thousands of hours of pro bono work annually. No, a doctor getting a reduced, negotiated rate of pay from insurance companies is not the same.

Advantage: Lawyers.

6. Who is more likely to retire?

Reduced, negotiated payments from an insurance company are still negotiable. Accounts receivable aren’t.

Advantage: Doctors.

7. Which group would more likely do something else if they could?

Dr. Cureusall: Working with ill people day in and day out is stressful and takes its toll on physicians. Most are anxious for retirement.

Me: Most lawyers find their work interesting and challenging. Yeah, sometimes a pain, often stressful, but there is no millennium clock above lawyers’ desks counting down the time until Medicare (and, unfortunately in some cases, Medicaid) kicks in.

Advantage: Lawyers.

8. Does the money-grubbing lawyer shoving wads of money in his cheap suit pockets and the doctor who gets sued for malpractice every time she diagnoses a cold really exist?

We agreed these characters exist only in the mind of some wretched advertising representative stuffing money in her own pocket from such ads.

Advantage: No one.

9. Is some overhaul of the tort system needed?
Dr. Cureusall: Yes.

Me: Probably. But how about limiting awards against lawyers and accountants, too?

Advantage: No one.

My friend and I, after some potshots and good-versus-evil characterizations, agreed that our professions have more in common than not. Members of each profession just need to sit down, without prejudices or chips on our shoulders, and try to come together in compromise. If we don’t, an initiative or two may take such decisions away from both professions.