November/December 1997

Cooking Tips for Young Lawyers

by Evan Loeffler

The fact I am single and unattached now being publicly known, thanks to our President’s recent comments in her last column, I have decided to impart a few cooking tips for the benefit of other single young lawyers whose student loan payments might not allow them the luxury of dining out.

I had never been concerned about the preparation of food prior to law school. Throughout my youth I had I assumed that food grew in refrigerators and was prepared by putting it into mysterious black boxes called "kitchens." I was preparing for law school when my mother broke the truth to me that she was the one who cooked the food. I found this slightly more disturbing than the information that she was really the tooth fairy.

"It’s true," she said. "I was the one who cooked your dinner the last twenty years. But that’s all over now. I’m not cooking for you if your going to be lawyer. Your just going to have to prepare your own meals."

"Fine," I said. "How hard could it be?"

"Hah! You couldn’t boil water if your life depended on it."

"Well, I don’t eat boiled water!" I retorted.

My mother gaped at me for a moment and then smiled wryly.

"You’ll either starve to death or get married in a year," she prophesied.

Determined to prove my mother wrong on the first point, and having long since resigned to failure on the second, I concentrated my efforts on learning to cook. Several years later, I am proud to say that my cooking ability, while not exactly haute cuisine, has progressed to the point that I can cook meals which are widely considered to be edible.

I confess that I was not exactly a gifted culinary student. It took me a few weeks to learn that food does not grow in refrigerators as I had thought, but in supermarkets. Supermarkets are mazes of food largely populated by people who do not have licenses to drive but are still allowed to operate shopping carts. These stores have obviated the need for the hunter in modern society, reducing it to a race of people who gather whatever the supermarket gods allow to grow on a given day.

After learning how to procure food I was somewhat dismayed to learn the food was not ready to eat. My next task was to learn what to do with the food after getting it home. I have always preferred to learn by hands-on experience instead of from theoretical treatises. I therefore eschewed the use of cookbooks, learning instead by trial and error.

As time wore on—and as my weight dropped precipitously—my mother and I both relented somewhat from our earlier positions. She sent me cookbooks with encouraging names like "Cooking for the Mentally Negligible," "Cooking With Heat," and "How to Boil Water." These books contained many helpful tips which added to my cooking acumen.

One of the early lessons I learned about cooking is that the use of spices can make the difference between a meal one can just barely gag down and another night of fasting. The judicious use of bachelor spice staples such as Tabasco™ Sauce and salt have improved many a meal at Chez Loeffler. No spice is as important however, as garlic powder. Garlic powder is a veritable manna for bachelors. It goes with literally everything, and is one of the primary food groups, of which there are six: steak, beer, garlic powder, potato chips, gummy bears, and healthy stuff.

After several years of experimenting I am pleased to report, much to my mother’s disbelief and chagrin, that I am able to prepare meals. I am sharing some of my more frequently used recipes. Enjoy.

Pop Tart

1. Remove pop tart from foil wrapper.

2. Toast in toaster (optional).

3. Sprinkle with garlic powder to taste.

Cereal

1. Pour cereal into bowl.

2. Add liquid of choice (optional); milk is recommended, but beer or water will suffice.

3. Add garlic powder to taste.

Scrambled Eggs

1. Break two eggs into frying pan.

2. Remove egg shells.

3. Mix with ½ cup milk or other liquid and garlic powder to taste.

4. Continue stirring over high heat until mixture resembles scrambled eggs.

French Onion Soup

1. Boil water (this is an advanced operation beyond the scope of this article).

2. Empty one packet of Lipton’s™ French Onion Soup mix into boiled water.

3. Add garlic powder to taste.

Chef’s Salad A L’oeffler

1. Put 3 cups mixed greens into a mixing bowl.

2. Add 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard, 1 teaspoon garlic powder, and 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar into a mixing bowl and blend with a wire whisk.

3. Gradually add 6 tablespoons of light salad oil while beating with the whisk. Season with salt and pepper.

4. Pour the mixture over the salad greens and toss to blend.

5. Add 1 container of Spam.

Steak (well done)

1. Season steak with garlic powder.

2. Fry steak in frying pan on high until smoke detector goes off.

3. Turn steak and disconnect smoke detector.

4. Serve.

Steak (rare)

1. Season steak with garlic powder.

2. Serve.

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Evan Loeffler is the editor of De Novo and an associate at Harrison, Benis & Spence in Seattle.

Copyright Evan Loeffler, all rights reserved.

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